Rough sex as a general rule is sex with that added layer of aggression.
Some enjoy it rough because it ramps things up in the bedroom whilst others treat it as a form of stress relief, (but enjoy it too). I personally believe there is a strong connection between sexual fulfilment and mental satisfaction, so yep, I absolutely accept the argument that a hard and fast fuck might be just what you need after a hugely stressful week. Biologically when you are aroused, stress and pain can stimulate serotonin and melatonin hormone production in the brain which transforms painful experiences into pleasurable ones, so the pleasure/pain theory checks out, scientifically.
The way aggressive sex is defined, is relative to the individual. Some choose to limit themselves to a bit of nibbling on body parts or a few slaps here and there during sex whilst others want their hair to be pulled as they are flung around the bedroom! There are no rules to what rough sex is, only rules around how it should go down.
CONSENT! Ahhh I’m such a stickler for consent because without it, we’d basically be lawless! Consent is crucial and it must be continuously obtained especially during sex. For example, if you are with someone that agrees to have their throat grabbed whilst giving oral sex but then the thrusting gets too much for them and they ask you to stop, that is when you stop and go no further. There is no compromise at this point. Stop means STOP! Not, OK carry on for a little bit, or don’t do it so hard or worse still, do it even harder, it means STOP, now, end of!
In my eyes, consent and the withdrawal of consent is clear but for some, during the heat of the moment, lines may become blurred so, the introduction of safe words can be used as a great way of keeping within the boundaries. Safe words are literally what they say on the packet; a word that if called, requires the action currently being performed, to cease.
On the BDSM scene, it’s quite common for those that practice to use the traffic light system. This system literally translates as: someone calling out “green” would mean, yes I am enjoying that/that’s good/I’m happy with that, “amber” would indicate that the recipient is getting close to their limit or boundary whilst “red” would mean stop that now! Simple, clear and universally understood however, whatever safe words you personally choose to use, is entirely up to you as long as everyone involved knows exactly what they’re working with.
Communication is also massive when it comes to rough sex. In every sense. Even actually during the rough sex, the ability to communicate how you feel is crucial. It ties in with the whole consent thing. Also, if you are someone that quite likes the idea of introducing some roughness to your current sex set up but you’re unsure of how to go about raising the idea, please know, being able to convey your desires in an appropriate way, is so important. I think comfortability is key here. Raise the idea with the person(s) you want to engage with when they are at their most relaxed. After sex is a good idea. The chances are they’ll be more receptive to sexual suggestions whist feeling satisfied sexually so the whole exchange of ideas will be less awkward. Tell them clearly what it is you want and invite them to share how they feel. If they are onboard, this is also an ideal time to discuss boundaries and rules too – but of course those will be revisited once you get it poppin’!
Here’s a quick tip, if you are doing the whole rough sex thing, lube it up! Like seriously, make lube your bestie. I always advocate for lube during sex anyway but more so where rough sex is concerned because penile fractures and vaginal bruising is real! Lube can help keep things extra moisturised and lubricated thus going some way towards minimising the risk of any intimate injuries.
Final word on this, relax!
If you’ve consented to something a little rougher, you need to be relaxed. Being tense will not make the experience an enjoyable one for you. Provided rules and boundaries are set and you trust all those involved, chiiiiiilll!
Sex should be a pleasurable experience however you chose to do it. It should be an act that gives you what you need and gets you to where you need to be so do yourself a favour and get ALL OF THAT!
Click here to listen to my recent Hit the Clock Podcast episode on rough sex!