We recently caught up with Charley aka Curvaceousmistressofthemind across social media. We spoke to the body positive plus size model and sex therapist about life as a social media influencer, being comfortable in your own skin sexually and everything else in between.
In this refreshingly open interview, Charley tells us exactly how it is and even shares some golden nuggets of advice that have helped her through life.
Grab a cuppa, put your feet up and prepare to immerse yourself into this curvy mistress’ mind!
Hey Charley, how are you? Thanks for taking the time out to talk to us and share some intimate tidbits about yourself…
Your Instagram account is always popping with sexy pictures of you wearing amazing outfits in various different classic and sometimes provocative poses. Clearly you are comfortable with your size and thrive off of that. You embrace your sexuality – how important is this in your opinion?
Your very right, I get a great sense of freedom and self-empowerment being comfortable enough to show my body off and I do wholly embrace my sexuality because for me it’s so much more then what the world generally perceives it to be.
Sexuality for me is the very essence of who I am as a person and it drives and feeds my hunger for ambition, my need to succeed and reach my goals and makes me push myself to fulfil any wants and needs even basic stuff such as eating and drinking. Sexuality for me is so much more than just a box you tick for your sexual orientation, sexuality is an umbrella term that covers multiple avenues. It’s hard for me to answer this question without going off on a psychological tandem but the fact that society generally views sexuality as meaningless to everyday life baffles me.
You are a body positive advocate, have you always been comfortable in your skin?
I’d love to say yes I have but that would be me kidding myself. I think, as a female it’s hard to feel comfortable full stop when your genderised (e.g. playing with kitchens and ironing boards from a young age) and then sexualised from early on because let’s face it, vagina makes the world go round and showing nipples causes chaos! So how are any of us as women ever meant to be truly accepting of ourselves when just being a female is a struggle? But no, when I was much younger I didn’t like my body. I had to deal with being bloated and swollen from heart operations and steroids and I guess because of this I’ve had a lot more time than most to get used to who I am and exactly how I look. I’ve only ever known myself to be big! When I look back at pictures of myself I don’t remember the slim, tiny framed, blue lipped 5 year old struggling to breath and live, I remember the strong, plump, fighter that I had to be and there was no other way for me. I was bullied at times but I believe everyone has felt this at some point in their life so it doesn’t give me special credentials on self-love. Acceptance for me was a life process and it’s developed over years and years of being ridiculed from many angles for my size but inside me screaming that I can’t help any of this! Accepting that my body has also changed over the years due to having a child. Pre pregnancy I was happy in my skin, I was a size 16 dress but everything was tight, my skin was mainly smooth on my stomach and the stretch marks I had were present from about 9 years old so they were part of me. Nothing prepared me for the disaster my body would turn into post pregnancy and I’ll happily admit, being big was never as hard to accept as having loose, droopy skin has been! That’s something people don’t tend to discuss and I think it’s awful really… doctors and medics all over are constantly saying lose weight for a healthier life but what about a healthy mind? What do these same doctors do to help when you’ve lost 6 stone and your body looks worse than when you were bigger and you were pulled into a false sense of security that you’re going to look amazing and you don’t see what you were expecting? What happens when surgery is not an option? (It isn’t for me for multiple reasons). It’s as if the world has advanced so much but still no one is realising that the mind controls the body. In order to have a healthy body you need the same of mind. Losing weight won’t make you happy, nothing is a quick fix and in my opinion, acceptance will only come when everyone stops kidding themselves. Accepting who we are isn’t going to come from social media validation because having hundreds of thousands of followers that seem to be loving you as a person, is all a façade and so many young women are out here wanting to follow in the footsteps of body positive advocates who I feel are not truly accepting themselves because behind their pages they are dieting and still trying to reach something else to gain happiness. That to me, is not self love or acceptance, it’s a pretence and we give platforms to this madness. Being healthy physically and mentally comes in all shapes, colours, sizes and creeds. I am happy and healthy for who I AM as an individual because health is subjective so tell me, what is there not to accept?
When did you decide you were going to share you with the world?
I’d say a few years ago now. I’ve always known that as a person, I am a force within myself. I have a large personality and have many times been told “you need to be on TV!” I’m an extrovert but above all I truly believe I have a story to tell and experience behind me. I’m 30 years old not 21 and having them few more years on me I believe is a big attribute because I’ve done with all the trying to be someone I’m not, pretending to like myself when I really don’t and not really knowing what I want in life. I’ve spent many years being lost and found and working on me and I feel that us 30somethings don’t have a massive voice, hell I couldn’t even name you someone that really inspires me at the moment in my age range, I could name you much younger women who “seem” to be inspiring others. I say seem because I personally don’t buy the whole I was bullied for my weight so now I have a right to lecture you on body positivity. I want someone with a real story, a struggle, something that makes you go ‘she’s like me and she didn’t give up’. I want to be inspired by the everyday average person. I really am just a normal girl from the suburbs of London, there’s no airs or graces with me and I don’t come from money… Everything you see I do myself, for myself and that is inspirational because I know how hard it’s been just for me to be me!
As a plus size model that is overt with your sexuality, have you ever come up against criticism and if so, how did you deal with it?
Personally I come up against criticism all the time even if its never said, I am by-passed by people in the industry because its assumed I can only take my clothes off… which is hilarious to me because I know that anyone who actually meets me or takes the time to have a conversation will pick up straight away that I’m massively intellectual, there’s a lot more to me brain wise and I’m a chameleon. I’ve been able to be part of really sensitive subjects and have handled things with the upmost professionalism and care but also I’m full of laughter and jokes. I never take myself too seriously so although it can get you down at times because really I’m just being me and showing the world that being free and inhibited doesn’t mean your less of a person, it doesn’t mean your easy and embracing/enjoy nudity isn’t wrong or bad, it’s the oldest purest form. If anything, reacting to things such as this with such adamant force is what’s wrong. This ideal creates the feeling of shame within children so we are the reason people grow up believing sex is dirty, or nipples can’t be seen because it’s sexual. We install these confused messages in our youth but expect them to behave as we did before although children are now more vulnerable to sex because it’s everywhere. It’s hard being judged because you represent and speak on a subject that every single human on the planet at one point in their life will either be doing, have done or did have….. SEX!!!
Do you feel like people are in constant attack mode when it comes to plus size women – if so, why do you think this is the case?
I feel like people are uneducated. The attack mode you talk of towards plus size women is a lot down to the media’s longstanding perception of beauty and I feel also the unknown. It almost feels like; if we give these people an opportunity to excel they could actually over take us. No one wants a large community of non- conformists to stand up because then we have the ant and grasshopper effect. Although the grasshoppers are higher on the food chain and larger there are many more ants per grasshopper, therefore the ants are more powerful as a collective.
Also repression is rife is many different sectors of our world. Women are still repressed even though the world would try and have you believe otherwise. So to be plus size and a women, well bloody hell that’s taking the proverbial biscuit! Once again another large contributing factor I’d say is; how high we place our biomedical views. If we are to believe solely what doctors and physicians tell us that over weight in any form equals unhealthy we will always be attacked!
Curvy girl sex – what is this in your opinion?
Well, curvy girl sex I’d say is like; when someone gives you a box of Roses at Christmas and you’re happy because they’re nice, you like them and you know what you’re getting. Now, imagine someone hands you a much larger box of what they’ve thrown together from all the boxes they’ve been given and you can see Roses, Quality Street, Cadbury’s Hero’s, there’s even Drumsticks lollies, popping candy, chewy strawberries and Haribo minis! (My mouths watering and I’m the one typing lol pleases excuse me). So yeah, all that thrown in and the excitement of choice, I mean you’ve seen what your going to get which was the same as the Roses however, when you might get the chance, how and in what order is the mystery. It’s the variety of life… now that’s BIG GIRL SEX! So much assortment, so much choice and you’re happy and full for months after Christmas!
Would you say curvy girl sex is the best kind of sex?
Well I’m biased so yes! Lol of course it’s the best kind, it’s my kind hahaha 😉
Confidence – would you say you’re just as confident in the bedroom as you appear to be across social media?
I’d say I’m even more confident in the bedroom then I am on social media because that is my realm. I’m not a porn star, I don’t get paid to have sex the way I have sex….. I do it willingly! I enjoy extremes and the same as when you enjoy anything in life enough, you tend to continue doing it till you perfect it. Some people perfect their art, or dancing, some people its their writing or playing football, for me it’s sex… all different kinds of sex in all its forms, in any way possible! I believe it’s a lot more important to the survival of humans then just procreation and just to make it clear, before some clever dick says it, I don’t have sex with everyone lol I do not need to be promiscuous to achieve this goal. Quality is always over quantity when it comes to sex, so if you think you’re an Adonis because you’ve has sex with hundreds of females believe me, you’re not and you didn’t even make them come (takes a bow and leaves….) lol!
What message are you trying to convey via your social media platforms?
My social media platform is to show women that being you is enough. I think this is why I need to get more speaking projects in the future so the ladies can hear the voice and that it isn’t just about pretty or sexy pictures, hence I always try to make my captions as relevant to the image as possible and give a little insight as and when I can. I definitely don’t push to promote loads of brands. I only ever tag or state something I truly like or believe in and I don’t do all the clicky crap of because I know you so I’ll promote only your lingerie. I’m trying to keep my page real like myself. I want people to ask questions and be intrigued to talk further not just sit back and stare. What makes any of it worthwhile is that one little message from just one person that says you inspire me!
What is SEXY in your opinion?
Sexy in my opinion is confidence and owning it! Real confidence is infectious and can make even the shyest of people want to follow suit. I’ve also always been a big believer in having class and that to have class one must be able to meet the world head on, which is a scary thought for a lot of people but when you have confidence you’ll run head first towards the world!
Fetishes – tell us, do you have any?
Fetishes…. Hmm this is a tricky one because I’d say I have a lot but the term fetish has also been busted open by the mainstream since 50 shades of Grey was released. I enjoy indulging in debauchery. I enjoy certain types of role- play, wax play, being spanked is quite a big one of mine – I’ve been known to spend hours over someone’s knee and can climax from the spanking alone. I’ve have been involved in so many different aspects of the kink lifestyle that I think I even have fetishes for my fetishes if that even makes sense. Sometimes in the world of BDSM you can become completely consumed with mixing everything you like together and it becoming a blur. It’s like chem-sex without the drugs because you’re full of rushing endorphins of different kinds that have surged because of the different parts of the brain and body you’re stimulating. I enjoy multiple forms of asphyxiation and have been pierced during sessions with partners…… but I think ill leave that there!
You already know too much lol
As a self-confessed feminist would you say your feminist views impact you sexually?
I’d like to say no just because I don’t enjoy the thought of emasculating a man, although I’m told I do it often! So my true answer has to be yes! Honestly I’m always in control even if they think otherwise. With me there truly is no otherwise! Whether I’m the submissive or dominant I always hold the key so yes unconsciously my feminism does seep in….. I’ve always made it very clear I am never a notch on anyone’s bedpost, I teach and they learn even if I’m under them.
How about on dates?
On dates… hmmm I don’t go on dates! Shameful but true. It’s like we don’t date anymore, and these men seem to annoy me before they even make it to getting the phone number so erm that’s got to be a yes! Lol
What about re marriage?
In terms of marriage I guess it’s the most obvious place my feminism would come out because I believe in being as equal as we can but also, I believe men are men for a reason. If it’s going to continue that “women are the weaker sex” (which we all know is bollocks) and is still believed by the patriarchal society we live in, then I feel that why shouldn’t a man still provide, why can’t they still be chivalrous? If I’ve had a baby then yes please go and hunt and gather while I’m at home. You see I don’t live in a dream world, I’m well aware wanting equality and having it are two very separate things. So if society can still be fickle and flick back and forth on whether women are equal to men then why can’t I as a female take advantage of the gender roles within my relationship when needed but also branch out as an independent women when the time comes?
What about just in general?
In general I think I’m a very strong independent female who manages everything on her own, strives for everything on her own and kicks major arse, so yea my femininity is righteous!
When looking for a suitable partner, what 3 things are essential?
3 essential things in a partner for me would have to be;
Humour: I need to laugh and have banter
Understanding: I find I can be very misunderstood and I look for someone who can mentalise well e.g. put themselves in another’s shoes to see it from their point of view.
Patience: I possess zero patience. It’s a big downfall of mine and I need someone who can help me see the benefits of timing. Like in poker, knowing when to hold, when to fold, knowing when to walk away and when to run….
Are you someone that believes in marriage?
This is a hard question for me because I would love to get married! The idea of marriage seems beautiful to me as well as lots of hard work, but having found that other half of you to always count on is such a fabulous thought as I’ve never been able to rely on anyone. However for me, I grew up my whole life believing my parents were married, they have wedding rings and my mother has my father’s name, they always told my brother and I they were married and we never questioned it. It wasn’t until maybe only 11 years ago that my grandmother asked me this exact question and I answered with ‘yea it’s a nice thought and that but I don’t know if a piece of paper makes you married, divorce is everywhere” to which my grandmother replied “you’re just like your mum”. I then went on to question “what are you on about, mum and dad are married”….. Well apparently NOT! At 19 I found out my whole life my parents have never been married but used to argue so much when my bother and I were children that they always reassured us they were so we never worried they would split up, and they never have nearly 40 years together. So you see, I definitely believe in marriage but I don’t necessarily believe you need a piece of paper to be married. My parents aren’t any less married because they didn’t declare it in front of a clergy man, the proof is in the 40 years they’ve dedicated to each other when they really could of walked away with no hassle and didn’t.
How much do you feel our views on sex, love and relationships are impacted by the media?
I believe that the media impacts our views on sex, love and relationships massively. As a result of the media, aspects of our relationships become some kind of game. It seems to be a long standing joke that relationships no longer exist and it’s now called a situationship! I mean what the hell?! It is true the easier sex has become the harder real love or even respect is to find. The media distorts our views of some of the most important problems in the world for example terrorism, if this stuff is exaggerated or twisted and it’s headlining political news then how distorted do you believe something like sex could be? I mean everyone acts like this falling in love business is not high up on the agenda but as homosapiens we crave companionship. It also contributes to the confusion of young adolescents and young adults because they believe what the media pushes. I feel like there’s so much emphasis on drugs these days but what about the drug pusher that is the media?! It’s pushing nothing but sexualised images and porn sites onto our teenagers and we expect them to behave accordingly within the boundaries of our social constructs when the kind of images accessible would turn anyone’s mind up side down. Sex and all that comes with it can be very much drug like to someone and I think that’s obvious when we have children as young as 12 with compulsive masturbation disorders. The media really does have a lot to answer for!
From the perspective of a sex therapist, what one piece of advice would you give to women, globally?
The best advice I can give to any women is to explore yourself sexually as much as possible and I don’t mean go out and shag about, I mean yourself! Use your hands, your toys, your time and your imagination. No man is responsible for your orgasms you are, so don’t ever fake it! Make sure you know your body well enough that you can show your partner how it works and if it’s a one night stand that you can climb on and reach it yourself. Men have used female’s vaginas as giant hand jobs for way to long. Being penetrated feels nice but most of us will never orgasm vaginally so you need to make sure you’re getting yours. It’s so important for a female to be confidently active because there are many hormonal benefits for us during and when we orgasm. It really is true women are better women after great sex. I don’t know about anyone else but I can defiantly focus better after a real orgasm 😉
LOL – OK, so what exciting things are in the pipeline for you?
Well I’ve got some great collaborations coming up with some fabulous people and a few cool brands via my social media so keep an eye out for that. Lots of shoots ahead so its going to be busy busy! I’ve just graduated so within my professional work I’m heading towards my masters in a specialised area, while also doing clinical work and I’m also looking forward to bringing out my own range of something sexy soon enough so basically watch this space 😉
Amazing! Where can we find and follow you online?
You can find me online via my instagram social media page which is curvaceousmistressofthemind. I also have a facebook page by the same name. I’m on twitter as curvaceousmiss but I’m still a newbie trying to work that one out so bare with me….. you know, I think I need my own website…. once again watch this space! lol
Before we finished up, we wanted to learn just a little bit more about Charley so we put her in the hot seat with these quick fire questions…
Sex on the first date – yes or no!
If you want to! Lol go with the body just don’t expect to much!
See a guy you fancy, would you let him know or wait for him to approach you?
Hmm depends, if we were out I’d probably get near him and crack a joke, that tends to get them talking to me at least lol
Quickest way to a man’s heart?
Suck his cock after you’ve cooked him dinner!
You are a fan of role play in the bedroom so, what’s your fave?
I’m a big fan of role play. My fave is meeting out somewhere and pretending you don’t know each other, watching other people hit on your partner from across the room, knowing that when you walk over you’ll look like a confident sexy sex assassin who’s just taken him by the balls lol. I’m an exhibitionist I like to leave people with open mouths.
Sex tapes, yes or no?
I can’t say no because I love them lol I find myself watching and critiquing my performance…. If I can do better I will even if I’ve already milked the man within an inch of his life!
Up for a threesome if yes, 2 girls one guy or 2 guys one girl?
This is a silly question for me…. yes I’d do both and have done. I personally believe that you haven’t felt intensity like having two men inside you at the same time but it’s not for everyone or even most lol
Do you watch porn, if so what is your favourite category?
I love porn! I don’t really have a favourite, I look for big cocks because I’m a big girl and I like to ride a stallion but it differs on my mood, a lot of the time its interracial, sometimes bondage, sometimes vanilla but at the moment its big daddy bearded bear porn hahahaha don’t ask lol
Wow! Interesting and VERY insightful Charley – you truly are a character with many intriguing layers.
Thank you for your time….